[翻譯] 六種損毀主奴關係的S常犯錯誤 （原著：Jessica Cocker）

原文：6 Ways to Ruin Your Submissive

Original by: Jessica Cocker 翻譯：莉莉絲

收一個m，是沒有隨附使用說明的，同樣的，也沒有人天生就是完美的S (支配者)。你可以閱讀許多關於SM生活型態的書籍，或著是和別的S討論，以及參加一些SM活動。但是你仍難逃心底那個絮絮叨叨的聲音，認為自己還是無法做的完全到位。

或許你已經有很多訓練或事後的安撫『該如何做』的教戰守則，但你是否暗自希望還有一份『千萬不要做哪些事』的教條呢？是否有時候覺得自己已經做到最好，卻還是不夠完美呢？一起來看看這六條，小則寵壞m，大則可能損毀主奴關係的S常犯錯誤吧。

1. 予取予求— 無論你的m想要什麼，她總是能夠隨心所欲。

或許是她網路上發現的最新情趣玩具、或許是讓她略過一次她真的非常討厭執行的日常任務、或著是養成習慣給她所有她想要發生在自己身上的調教。給她所有她所要求的，就像是在養成一隻被寵壞的、放縱的、嬌生慣養的小鬼。她很快就會學到永遠可以利用情緒操控你，進而得到自己想要的一切。當然在一個D/s關係裡，S會愛上m是很常見的，這件事本身也沒有任何錯誤。我個人絕不會想要擁有一個不能給我任何理由愛上的女孩當m。你必須對抗的危機是，當你將彼此的關係視為平等的兩人間一種浪漫安排時，自己就會屈從於動態的權力交換了 。結果只會導向一個膚淺的、冷卻的主奴關係，最終無法再滿足任何一方。偶爾讓她的需求獲得滿足絕對沒有錯，獎賞她提供的好服務、有時候做些讓她開心的事。但是，一個m同時也需要隨時獲得提醒，讓她記得自己是誰、以及自己在這段關係中扮演的角色與地位。

你應該這麼做

把讓她擁有她垂涎的最新情趣玩具，或著放縱她享受一個她特別喜歡的床上活動，當作是她最近為你完成，值得你稱讚的事的獎勵。讓她覺得自己是以付出來贏得這項獎勵的。這麼做可以阻止她發展出掌握權力的感覺，並且灌輸她一個牢不可破的理解—她並不擁有你，而是你擁有她。這能幫助她發展她的服從性。

2. 沒有規矩 — 如果你的m爬到你頭上、試圖挑戰你訂下的規則、沒有達成你的指令與期待，或說了做了你不允許的事情，你絕對不能姑息或當做沒事。缺乏規矩在一個主奴關係裡常是源自於將伴侶視為老婆或女朋友而非m。要管教你所愛的對象很難且甚至你自己都厭惡如此做，這是很自然的，所以很多S即使是在被充分授權之下都不願實施應該為之的矯正行為。他們自我合理化訂定規矩是負面的行不通的，他們的m一點都不需要規範。這將會培育m相信自己的壞習慣不會產生任何不良後果。

這種情形會導致主奴關係中更嚴重的問題。就像孩子總愛用行為來挑戰大人訂下的規範與界線一樣，m也是如此。建立一個清楚的界線反而能讓大多數m感覺到她們需要的安全感與被保護照顧的感覺。很多時候她們爬到S的頭上並不是真的意圖不軌，而只是想要確認自己還是確實的被S管教照顧著。所以如果缺乏對不恰當行為的對應後果，好與壞的界線就會模糊或不存在，而m則會開始感覺不安與不被保護。

你應該這麼做

替你的m訂下清楚而一致的規則與後果。確定她真的了解你的期待，知道自己哪些該做哪些不該做，怎麼樣的行為是合宜的。當她越界的時候你需要馬上站出來給予適當的矯正與處置。不一定都要是對身體的處罰，當然有時候這很有效且不費時，但是如果你的m很享受被打屁股，那打屁股就不是一項非常有效的處罰。取消一項她很享受的特權在這種情形下就相對的有效多了。記得和她說明清楚，確認她了解自己因為自己的壞行為而受到對應的處罰，不要處罰過了頭。要確認該處罰對於犯罪行為來說是合適與恰當的。

3. 總是為他們找藉口 — 當一個m因為疏忽而非刻意犯錯時，S總覺得自己也必須負擔部分責任。覺得m的疏失自己必然也得擔負部分責任，我想這對於任何一個領導者來說都是蠻正常的想法 。「或許我沒有將我的期待與規則對她充分闡述清楚？還是我沒有提供她足夠的訓練呢？」我們總願意相信自己的m是百分之百的投入，跟我們一樣想要表現她最好的一面。這樣的想法讓我們習慣為m找藉口，甚至為了她的錯誤而責怪自己。我們都想要對自己的m有信心，但是對她的越舉睜一隻眼閉一隻眼或著是活在對自己的否定當中，都不是正確的方式。你應該要讓你的m理解，規矩不是由她來訂的，即使不是故意犯錯，她都必須承擔該有的後果。

你應該這麼做

如果你的m因為粗心大意、一時疏忽而犯錯，一定要給予適當的矯正。並且對她解釋她哪裡做錯了，確定她理解自己接受處罰的原因，才不會讓她感覺不公平或不合理。如果她並非因為疏忽或粗心大意而犯下明顯的錯誤，且對你誠實以告，那麼這時處罰或許就不需要，你應該和她一起坐下來討論這件事，確定她明白下次該怎麼做。目標永遠是避免她因為忽視犯錯的原因，而一再犯下同樣的錯誤。許多時候，你知道她因為自己讓你失望，已經流下眼淚，看起來好像她已經充分對不當的行為自我處罰了，但是就像先前所陳述的，當情況是應該要給予處罰時，請毫不猶豫的執行，

4. 不挑戰她的極限 — 如果要選出一項我覺得作為一個S身負的最關鍵責任，我想那就是創造一個適合m養成服從性的環境。要在這樣的生活型態中成長，最佳的方式就是把她推向極限、拓展她的領域。特別是有許多初來乍到的新手女m，總是帶著一份長長的清單，羅列了許多她缺乏嘗試的興趣或著是單純不想試的大小限制。許多這些限制是由於缺乏理解、自信或經驗，對嘗試某些活動感覺恐懼。主奴關係因為是互相的，所以限制必須被尊重。一個m永遠都不該被強迫從事某項她已經表明為「限制」的活動，但是在一些可以被挑戰的限制上，m必須被施加壓力去面對。當一個m表明一些限制是軟性的限制時，她並不是說自己絕對不願意在任何情況下去嘗試這件事。她只是在說這件事還不應該發生，或著是在這件事發生前你應該先與她討論。因此重視這些軟性的限制其實更能幫助她成長和超越自己的界線。如果S永遠不鼓勵她超越她的限制，她就不會成長，或至少不會那麼有效的成長，甚至會阻礙她發現自己的潛能。她可能會變得太過安逸於現況，並且拒絕接觸那些能幫助她成長的事情。

你應該這麼做

告訴你自己的興趣當然是非常重要的，所以你必須及早問她，但絕不要滿足於她給你的那份冗長慾望清單。如果她連和你討論那些有一點令她不安或害怕嘗試的事情都不願意的話，或許她還沒有完全準備好接受這種生活型態。她必須有成長的渴望和願意嘗試與經驗那些最終能讓她成長的事物。不過或許更為重要的是，你必須有意願鼓勵她嘗試這些新事物。

5. 建立壞榜樣

有些時候m可能覺得一點都沒有順從的意願，同樣的，有些時候S也不想要擔任支配者的角色。這是人性，但是身為一個領導者，帶領著這樣一段主奴關係，你必須負起自己的責任，提供監察、引導、訓練，即便這週的工作如此緊張忙碌、或著是生活中有其他事情正在發生使你倍感疲倦。就如同你對於你的m有著期待與需求，你的m也對你有著期待與需求。像是你應該總是積極引領。如果辜負了你對她的責任，就是為這段關係設下了壞榜樣。如果你無法一貫性的負起你的責任，如果你不能做到許下的承諾，如果你為自己找藉口，如果你只是光說一口S的話語卻不練，你的行為將表現出你是怎樣的人。如果你以為你的m不會注意到，那你就錯了，如果她時常感到你不嚴肅看待自己的責任，那麼她終將也會模仿你的行為。

你應該這麼做

在你的m面前立下一個好榜樣，不要讓其他的事暫停你身為她S的責任，給予這段關係所值得的，一貫的注意力。

6. 不夠投入

在非必要的時候選擇超時工作而非準時回家晚餐、在m沒有做錯事時急躁的對待她，或著很顯然地忽視她，這些都是不夠投入的例子。一個m需要感覺到自己的價值。她需要被保證她是令她的S愉悅且有用的。她需要在不變的管教下藉由取悅與服侍主人，來表達自己的順從天性。而這麼做的她，該贏得值得你注意、尊重與投入情感的權力。被忽視的話，一個m就無法感覺到安全與被保護，她可能會因此變得不滿足、不快樂，甚至憂鬱起來。

你應該這麼做

即使你有無數的工作或其他雜務等待你完成，絕不要忽視你的m或著是這段關係。切割出固定給她的時間，一起看部電影或是允許她陶醉地謙卑地待在你的腳下。允許她性感地取悅你。她需要你的投入。她需要你教導她什麼是她該做的，以及她該如何做到你的期待。更重要的是，她需要你不忘記提醒她，自己的真實角色—你的寶貴持有物。

原文出處 http://asibdsm.com/6-ways-ruin-submissive/

在〈[翻譯] 六種損毀主奴關係的S常犯錯誤 （原著：Jessica Cocker）〉中有 7,735 則留言

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