◎夏慕聰
這日是最後了。十年之約的末日，午夜十二點便是結束，所有前塵往事即將如煙消散。我回到了這裏，踩著魔鬼高跟鞋回到我的原點。這把手中的備用鑰匙，這些年如寶貝般的收著。我用它打開了門。這裏的一草一木像是說話般的，夜晚的風吹來，沙沙作響有如低聲哭泣。我在庭院裏漫步一圈，往事歷歷在目，如電影剪輯，每一場庭院調教都浮現在我面前然後消逝，她和我，她和我還有大家，我和她。我脫下了魔鬼高跟鞋，拎著，用双腳感受這片土地。拍了拍腳上的泥塵，進了屋內。手撫摸著牆壁、沙發椅背、餐桌、椅子。環視滿室，每一幕室內調教都沉刻在心裏頭然後迴盪，她和我，主人和軍犬，ｄｔ和小衷⋯⋯
等待是煎熬的漫長的無可奈何的。十年過去了，歲歲年年，在這個地球上，我們都平安健康，應該是要滿足了。我將備用鑰匙放在客廳桌上，也許不再來這，才是對的選擇。我已經做到了約定。應該買包她抽的菸在這裏點燃，讓味道纏繞。應該買瓶她喝的酒在這裏芬芳，讓思念繾綣。
一瞬間，我摀住嘴巴往廁所內跑，一手盤著自己的長髮，一手扶著馬桶，腸胃內的食物不自主地排出，全身顫抖，毫無抵抗能力的嘔吐，將晚上吃過的全部都吐了出來。嘴邊垂涎，眼旁泛淚。嘔吐物髒污了衣服，沾黏了頭髮，狼狽不堪。站在洗臉台前，吸吸鼻子，清洗自己的臉与髮，脫掉上衣用清水拍拭弄髒處。看著鏡子裏的自己，凌亂的長髮，我用力地呼吸，感覺內衣阻礙便脱去束縛。赤裸著上半身，離開浴室。將屋內跟庭院相連的落地玻璃門打開，夜裏的空氣灌入讓屋內氣息流通，晚風微涼。
坐在落地玻璃門的地方，有時把腳踩在外面水泥地上，有時双腳弓著背靠著門邊。一個人靜靜的等待。四周環境裏每一個聲音都好清晰。戶外水泥地上那晚的大家，暗黑之舞跳得好盡興。屋內地板上那夜的她我，暗黑之舞跳得好痛快。現在我想要一個人跳一首暗黑之舞，是我自己獨自的暗黑之舞。打開了揚聲器，連接了手機藍芽，我在音樂庫裏挑著歌曲。一首適合自己的。不用快歌，慢歌也可以。讓我在寂靜的此刻，隨意甩動四肢。關鍵字輸入，跳出了一張白色背景低著頭的女性封面，一首在專輯最後倒數第二軌的歌。三十年前，一個踢婆氣質的女歌手，帶著只比平頭還長些的短髮，靜靜的唱著守著約的歌，四分十八秒。那時我是一個小女孩，不懂情也不懂愛。現在我懂了，懂得愛也懂得情。一個人的暗黑之舞。我踩著移動的步伐，恣意滑動。循環播放。癡心守約、遙遠的苦戀、初見的顫動、孤單寂寞、無怨無悔⋯⋯不管陰晴圓缺不管時間空間⋯⋯我的眼淚隨著動作灑落。心會疲倦的，我期盼一生都不會改變。我編輯了一個播放清單，將女歌手的歌放入，搜尋著歷年來女歌手唱著同樣的歌的現場版本放入。再循環播放著清單。這三十年來女歌手的聲線變化，歲月痕跡都在歌裏。這十年來我的人生變化，答應她的，我都做到了。為什麼還不回來，為什麼不回來⋯⋯我不重要了嘛⋯⋯我對她再沒有意義了嘛⋯⋯人生如歌，生命之花，我依然如夏日般的思慕著她。
時間要到了，就要午夜十二點了。遲到的，我不要了。無法遵守諾言的主人，算什麼主人。
我是被遺棄的，也許在十年前就已經注定的結局。是我傻，才會守著約。可是我願意會她守著約，只願為她。站在室外的我，回首屋內景物，再看一眼庭院景色，是不是該離開了⋯⋯奇跡沒有出現。
手機上的時間將近，讓我自己親自倒數，顫抖的說出：「10。」不能哭不能再落淚了。
「9。」踩著自己的魔鬼高跟鞋，我告訴我自己，要像當年她離開後，我走出這裏時，那麼勇敢。
「8。」我從她那，已經得到很多，夠多了，不能太貪心奢求。
「7。」抿著嘴咬著唇，忍住悲傷。不難過。
「6。」我做到了守著十年之約。
「5。」該走了。
⋯⋯⋯⋯「4。」
⋯⋯「3。」
⋯「2。」
「1。」
⋯⋯
⋯
午夜十二點一跨過，新的一天就來了。一分一秒不差，大門門鎖轉動。奇跡出現，她活生生在我眼前。
沒有生死別，沒有日月哭，沒有晴雨泣，沒有天地分，沒有山海離。即使她滿頭白髮，我也可以認得她。熟悉又陌生的身影。那一頭黑色太陽如今已化成白色太陽。
「回⋯回來了⋯⋯」
「回來了——」
輕聲問候已勝千言萬語。她伸手撫摸著我有如她往日黑色太陽般的長髮，我看見她眼眶中的淚水。我握著她的手腕，用臉龐磨蹭著，一切盡在不言中。
謝謝我們的相遇，謝謝你調教了軍犬，教育了我。
禁羈世界還有多少驚喜正等待著我們，請看著我們的世界，看著我。
留下來。不要再離開了。
這是我們的世界。
——連載完——
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